VENT

I know there a worse things happening in the world but I guess I can’t help but be selfish.
I just recently realized why it seems people have always treated me like I’m stupid or dismiss me throughout my life and why even in my senior year of high school I received the classic false valentine as a joke targeting me. The second time that’s happened in my life. Makes me feel silly or like a little worthless but I guess that’s not exactly their intention its just funny to them.

I was recording a video of myself talking and my tone of voice along with the speed of my speech is ridiculous. I sound so stupid. Plus I have an idiotic look on my face. I already don’t look attractive and trust me I’ve been improving my looks and trying to lose more weight to eliminate that flaw. However seeing myself like that made the actions people have had towards me shine in a new light. I always wondered why my “friends” would always conveniently forget about me but quickly take the things and help I offer and never reach out to include me when they’d go out, but I’m starting to wonder if they thought by my speech that I was just an idiot to watch over and not a real friend. I mean I’ve had a friend that blatantly treated me as such and when I’d try to join a conversation with her and another friend she’d just say that’s alright just play a game on my phone. She was constantly kicking me out of the conversation. I sincerely cared for my friends but I just doubt that they really saw me as an equal. I know this seems like such a small detail but the way in which you express yourself, visually, orally, stylistically, really impacts how people view you and understand you. I don’t look attractive and also don’t follow a conventional style, and now I see how I talk… it’s a little childish, nasally, and slow. Obviously when I think and when I speak it doesn’t register that way, but I’d never heard my voice recorded like that.

It even happens in college. I participate a lot in lectures because our class sizes are small too and I’ve had people behind me laugh when I’d speak and repeat my answer like it was ridiculous and in many classes the seats around me would be left empty. I tried a variety of areas to sit too, in the middle, by the front, to the side… and I did try to talk with classmates or ask questions but they’d quickly dismiss me.. I don’t want to follow trends because I think it’s a waste of money to change my wardrobe and also a waste of fine clothes, but my face, body, personality, and voice will take time to improve, too. I do my best to always be nice and offer help and I’ve done that all my life but it’s just really never been reciprocated. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m queer and don’t have any real support regarding that around me.

I just feel silly because last year in the summer I was actually excited to go to college because I thought it’d be an opportunity to be free and have friends but I’ve still got a long way to go. Even worse now that I don’t even have my highschool friends. the one whom I considered my best friend and still talk to occasionally, was the one my mother told me I should question if she actually even likes me. My mom and brother always joke that I don’t have friends. But it sucks because without those highschool friends all I have is my family and t they’re pretty conservative and it’s suffocating because I can’t really have my own beliefs or opinions. I just have to act right. Like I mentioned I’m trying to lose weight to improve my looks, but I feel so stuck and all I like to do is eat to make it not really feel like much, I mean I’m not overweight but I’m still large so I need to watch out.

I’m just so tired I keep on hoping and trying for friendship… I feel so lonely. I don’t know whats the point trying though. I don’t know if I even have the proper personality to be able to have friends. I wonder if I’d even like to have a friend. All this effort and I don’t have real friends but I don’t know if there would come to be a time where I’d have a friend that would put in effort or care for me. Of the friends I kind of have now it’s just tiring because I have to act a certain way for them to respond well and be with them. I feel worn out.