I'm breaking up with the one guy I loved

I've had 3 official relationships, 2 of them I was casual about. My 3rd boyfriend, however, I really liked. Like, loved. We've been together for 8 months (I just realized I broke up with him on our anniversary) and I really WAS serious about this guy. Don't judge,,, but our relationship was a long-distance/online relationship and I met him on Roblox but we did get to know each other first!! It wasn't a relationship where I fell in love with him right away, okay... We found out we had a lot in common and we had similar humor, we spent a lot of time together because of how similar we were. In all honesty, I'm really sad about this because I really DID love him, but this was something I knew had to be done (not to be dramatic).

Anyways, I decided to break up with him for various reasons, but finally talking about it feels so good. It's actually rejuvenating, like, I feel free. I've been so stuck these past 2 weeks because I was really thinking about it, and I knew I was already checked out of the relationship at that point, but I didn't want to just up and leave him...

For context, we're both pretty mentally ill and depressed. I know... that was already a bad sign that we shouldn't get together, but I didn't realize we were gonna take it this far!

The main reason I left him was because I got tired of dealing with his outbursts. I know that sounds kinda bad and as a partner, I should support him, but I'm seriously so tired of being the target of his negative emotions every time, I don't want him to lash out at me because he had a bad day anymore. I'm tired of telling him I don't like it and constantly regulating his emotions like I'm his mother. Every time he lashes out at me, I try to be straightforward with him and talk it through. We communicated really well because of me, I pushed the communication a lot and he wasn't against it.

Don't get me wrong, he really isn't a bad guy. I know he has troubles keeping his emotions in check and at first, I was willing to help him through that. And he has been getting better for sure, but that doesn't change how draining it gets dealing with it every 2-3 weeks.

It wasn't just him, btw. I did take out my frustrations on him a few times too (not nearly as much tho), and I've also definitely gotten better at coping and handling my emotions, we both have. I'm proud of him, really. I'm just, so, emotionally numb to everything he says and does now, even if it isn't relatively bad. To be honest, I've started to resent him for the emotions he's put me through, and I don't want to take that out on him. That's why I've decided to leave him.

He's going through a tough time right now though, his dog is in really bad condition so I didn't want to leave him just yet. I didn't want to put him in that spot, but he noticed how distant I was getting and I had to tell him the truth.

He's begging me to stay with him and I can't help but feel bad. I really liked our relationship, I did. But I'm so tired of constantly handling his emotions. Truth be told, I have never been able to genuinely express how I feel without him asking me first (something he doesn't do often). But there's a good reason for this.

Every time I bring up something negative about him or something I don't like in the relationship, he breaks down and starts going on about how he'll change and be better. I don't want it to be like that, I don't want him to make a big deal about every little complaint (I did mention this). I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells when something slightly bad happens.

I feel really bad for him because I'm his only person, the only one he can trust and go to for help and comfort, but I don't want him to be dependent on me anymore. I don't want him to change for me, either, that's not what I want in a relationship. I wish he could just get better for his own sake and not mine. It's so, so, draining, being with someone who needs all the time in the world to heal. I don't blame him for that because I'm exactly the same, but I don't want to sacrifice my own feelings for him, either.

He really does love me and I feel like he needs me, I wish I could still return his feelings but I'm finding myself unable to care about him like that anymore. I loved him and being with him, but I miss when we were friends. I won't ask for friendship because I know that's selfish and I don't want him to cling to his feelings for me. I'm a little scared I won't be able to find someone I'll click with just as much (hopefully more), but I think I'll be able to manage. I hope he can, too.

Anyways, I only came here to talk about this because I don't have anyone else to talk to. I'm also a loner, but I've come to accept that part about myself and I really don't mind anymore. I'm not asking anyone to validate my feelings and defend me, but thank you for listening, whoever made it this far.

Itova, out!