The end of the begining

Dramatic title but true.
Tomorrow is my last first-day of school!

Its 11:20 were I live. I'm sitting in a corner of my room listening to 'Fancy That'. I should be sleeping, but I feel the need to write.

This year has been a tad different from all the others. for the last decade I have been 'depressed' and constantly thinking of suicide. I never committed but many were the days I stood in front of the medicine cabinet, waiting.

But this year, the year I speculated myself dead or about to, I have started to look into the future and there is no longer a dead end.

Problem is, I have NOT put any thought in the future (I haven't even chosen a degree yet ....). Now I got very few months to do a decade worth of thinking.

...

This school year I have decide to be lazy.
I'm a very good student, meaning that I know how to get high grades, but learning?? That's alien to me!!

Instead of chasing high numbers. I'm reinforcing what im terrible at and learning other skills by myself. Even if it means I do less in my school. I KNOW this sounds irresponsible but, school has given me enough anxiety to have a very high floor for grades. If i start to lag behind I will redirect!

...

Low self steem and chronic awkwardness made me into an stranger to myself. "I just exist in a corner in my brain, every outside interaction is just a fight for survival to gain comfort in my brain cage."

Honestly, I have a flimsy idea of who I am. I have some firm held beliefs that I never defend. I'm very afraid of looking foolish or trying to hard. And for some time I have thought of my gender, but never taking any new steps... I dont have a clean solution... I wanted to give one but sorry...

I will try regardless! I think I just need to think less about myself every second, and put my attention outwards. There is a phrase that says :
"To be interesting you have to be interested"
And i believe it to be true.

...

I have proven to myself time and time again I cant follow plans for long...
Routine, resolution, goals, tasks all left half done or abandoned. Falling again into old habits and (made up) pressure.

But the me that is writing this wants to believe I can, I've done some weird things this year: I finally told my mother i'm an Atheist and it was such a not deal I keep forgetting it, I also went 3 days away from home in a religious retirement... and more small things that have changed me just a bit...

I believe in myself, even if is just today and its kinda half a lie, not to follow the perfect routine and fix myself, but at least to begin my true life. If I can just open the door to my brain cage and get a foot of myself into the real world I would be proud! (This analogy is hard...)

...

And what better to signal new beginning than losing access to all your accounts without hope of recovery!!!!!!!!!!! (In short, my phone busted -> I need it to verify my accounts = cooked). At least I can access Mangago!

Letting aside years of art and free media lost, this might be my sing to make a website (and learn about cyber security...) since I wont be able to access my demons (youtube, pinterest, substack, tumblr) I have now the time.

...

Its 12 am. the album has played twice already. I felt restless but tomorrow will come without much caring about how much I sleep.

If anyone read this unedited thing. Thank you for your time!!

I see a lot of people getting back to UNI/school and I wish you all best of luck!!!

And if you have any advise on how to chose a degree. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEE1!!!1

(the lights went out just when I tried to uploading this, now is 5 am. Latinoamerica you never fail to be you LOL)