Falling Inlove

these days i've been feeling pretty lonely. I have kind friends but I think i've been starting to avoid them when i can. i feel like the more i hang out with them, the more they will dislike me and such. I think some of these feelings stem from feeling "abandoned" when my friends chose to be with their boyfriends every moment they can and when they can't (bc bf is busy), they come to me. I guess it's a bit childish and I usually do pretty well on my own because I'm not extroverted. sometimes even when I am with my friends in person, I get anxious & wish I could just go home because it feels like they are putting up with me. Is this normal to feel at times? Maybe this is some self confidence issue? I don't think I'm stupid or useless, but I'm really not that great either. My friends tell me I'm genuinely kind because I can sympathize with others well, and I just rely on their words as my self worth i think. I also had this exfriend who rlly broke my trust in friendships, so I think my emotions also stem from that. I have a good support system rn i think (compared to a lot of ppl), but i still don't feel that supported bc i don't want to ask for help again. It's hard to differentiate my depression thoughts to my real thoughts, but that is how i feel currently.

anyways, I've been having a lot of fun at home reading my cheesy romance manhwas. I envy people in love so much. To find someone who can support you, and you can trust them and support them too. Idk if it's bc of the glamour of "true love!" or because i want to hug a hot man lol but I really wish I can experience something like that in my life. I've never had a crush or anything, so I don't know how it feels to be in love romantically. Is there anything you guys would recommend me to do? I try my best to be observant of my emotions and feelings, tried therapy, and now I've been journaling to reflect, but I feel so lonely. I feel so lazy to connect, too (bc of my fear of being a burden and rejected. i would rather avoid relationships to avoid pain overall). I'm not sure if this is the best place to post and i didn't expect to write this much. also idk why my words are cut off when i click preview?? its my first time posting here. sorry for rambling. thank you for reading this much :)

Okay let me preface this by saying i’m in high school and i tend to do shit that i regret all the time and yes i do hate myself for it but im actively trying to make myself better.

So this started in 2023, this girl started talking to me and my group. (i later figured out she infiltrated my group and talked to my friends specifically about me) We became really close in a matter of weeks and I could tell that she liked me. I knew it, her compliments, her attention, her attitude. It really screamed crush and I liked it.

I loved the attention she gave me, I knew that she was the only one who would ever love me like this. But me being the retarded bitch, I rejected her and tried to act the same. I was on the line between crush or not, and I would tell my other friends how I felt about her, but I didn’t expect for one of my friends to actually tell her so when I figured out I confronted them. But anyway, she told me that she got mad because I just didn’t tell her that I liked her. So at the time I responded with, “I don’t really like you like that, I’m just confused.” And looking back on it I really should’ve just said I liked you and dated her.


But later on things started getting more rocky. The friend group we had split up because I gave this girl more attention and because of this I gave my sole attention to her. I would get hung up on every little word that she would say and I didn’t know if what I felt is love or not. I couldn’t like a girl, I come from a strict asian family and if my family found out I liked girls I would fucking die. But regardless of this, we would cuddle and kiss. We would drink and things would lead to another, it being kissing and shit. In fact she was my first introduction to substances and I didn’t notice this at first, but there was a hint of addiction.

Later on, more and more drama would start because I felt insecure that she liked someone else. I still kept that facade of not liking her, even though I expressed my feelings of jealousy whenever she talked about another girl.

At this point, I still didn’t want to admit i liked her. I wanted to make it obvious that I didn’t like her like that, when I obviously did. So i cut my hair and started to act weird, and around this time she started smoking a lot of weed.

Because of this, she started to act different. Less clingy, less hung up about things, she just left me alone. I felt like she didn’t care and I started getting mad. Whenever she would message me on weed, I would just ignore her messages. And I told her to “be careful about it”, but she just dismissed it off and that’s when I got mad. I started ignoring her, acting weird, and just would confuse the fuck out of my self and her.

And the last time we talked, we both linked up and smoked. As she was walking me home, she expressed her feelings about how she felt about me. Shit about how she never really liked ME, it was just my face but once I got a haircut she lost feelings. And how she never really thought of me as her best friend even though we established multiple times that we were. But I also said really rude words, it being: “I used you for money, and drugs.” After this encounter I apologized. I reached out and said sorry, but I was so mad. My ego was crushed and I hated it.

So what I did next, was that I turned everyone against her. Because of me she had no friends left and I know what I did was fucked up. At the time I was blinded by anger and my big ass fucking ego was crushed to the point that I would actually go through extreme heights just to “get back at her” when she never even did anything that bad.


Anyway, I started contacting her for the past few months trying to reach out and talk things out. I want to try being friends again, but with no strings attached. Just normal friends, no drama, no anything. I just want to be able to talk to her normally again, to hang out. I’ve changed ever since I talked to her last. I’ve stopped caring, I’ve stopped leaving lingering attachments to people and I stopped taking things personally. I want to show her I’ve changed and that i want to grow as a person with her by my side along with all my other friends.

She responded to my message, saying that it would be good to be friends again for it not to be awkward for the next school year so I was really down. We played cup pong a few times, but the conversations before that was really dry.

I know that it would be the same, but does anyone have tips? I want her to be comfortable around me, and for us to be friends normally.