Tried To Kill Yourself

i once try to kill myself like again and again and again, i know my misreable is my family so i try to murder them but i did not brave enough or hate enough to kill them but they do , it hurt cause every problem come to me without solution and i was lonely always lonely with no one to comfort me when i cry or someone there to hug me when hurt i dont even know what feeling of happines is call then , something happen i dont know is this all of you can believe but please listen. that night my mother punch me trow kickme because she want perfect kid who always can do anything but still i can im just human then i cry.....i cry ....and cry wish that god take my life but that never can happen even when my birthday i wish that by the way i feel tire and almost a sleep then , i close my eye is dark no one there without no one what could i do so i amagine a story where i could keep my self. being me without suffer i created a world a story you coul say in my mind end , its to well good i know what is happines i know what is to feel to have family everything was fine then i met a girl that i dont know but suddenly i created her with name windy she sweet funny also cute and pretty but i can just like that fall for someone but i did i fell in love for the first time and it was different because my heart did beating fast im blushing and shy if close even if it just a story . but story always need a end , so they become diffferent every time i try to make the story they not who they are they different they just like a doll that i controll so i cry because they gone and never coming back then i realise why they are there they want me to grow up to be someone that they could be but they not not just a story they are me the way i want family the way the way i want a person beside me they were me a person that always want me never give up and keep living even if they were gone.
sorry if this to long just want to share my life experiece sometime if life is that so bad at you try to fight it dont give up cause there always a person in you that dont want to give up

I tried to kill myself many times by now. My parents only know about one time. My parents think my therapie helps but it is just getting worse, cause I have to relive every moment I had panic attacks or depression attacks.. On top of that I have a very problematic brain damage wich makes it impossebel to be focused on something. I am basicly a useless dissapointment to my Family. (sorry for the bad English)
Can anybody tell me what I should do?
Thanks in advance

I think a lot of people have already seen this, but here you go. It's about bj alex. Ik it's very hypocritical of me to do this and I don't mean to atone for my sins this way, but I think it's not too late to stop now and actually start paying if we want to read something. Also, mangago be taking this down like mad

https://futekiya.com/read-bj-alex-free-mingwa-interview/