I did die but why did I started gasping for air?

I have tried to hang myself multiple times but I just somewhat see a light then suddenly come back to myself, so everytime I didn't die I hide my rope cause I'm scared of my parents getting mad. I did one time stab myself but confused that my clothes only got ripped off. It felt like a curse for me to be alive, this was years ago, I was depressed for 17 years. I had seizures cause the pain in my head is too much, I get panic attacks, I always have a knife beside me not to kill someone but to if I ever want to kill myself, I eat too much or too little, I can do nothing or I have to do something, I pull my hair, I scratch my skin, I stab myself, I punch myself, I hit my head on the wall, I bite myself, I get bruises on my arms cause I keep attacking everyone who stops me or gets in my nerves. Then one day, I start to count the time that passed, the time I wasted. I learned how to stop doing everything. Baby steps, I forced myself to smile, fake smiles, I start to think I'm happy then I'm happy, I start to do the opposite of negative and turn it into positive by changing my words rather than I want to die I ask myself what food do I want to it? What day do I think is best to go out? Is it sunny or rainy, what do I like?, little by little. I ask myself as if I'm talking to a different person, I look Infront of my mirror that the person I'm looking now is not me anymore but the child who suffered far too long. So I took care of myself as from what I want from an adult to take care of me. It took me 6 years and still going. I do not care of using my life now to someone else or die in someone's hand, Iam already dead, but that doesn't mean I want my child self to not experience anything she always wanted. So I turned it into a goal, what does myself want? Cause I can make it happen. It opened me opportunities, failures are a step. Not trying isn't. I'm just relief rather than happy, I cry everytime I see myself get older and older, I kiss my delicate hands reminding myself sooner or later it'll get wrinkly and ill regret everything. I take the step and it lead me forward. I did kill myself, I saw the light but why am I still here?