so basically I’m completely undiagnosed, however..

TW//Mentions suicidal ideation, self harm, death

My family has a history with mental health issues, depression seems to be something I’m genetically weak towards especially, so I can’t say for certain if I’m simply just like this because I always was, or if a mixed pot of different issues that popped up through my life caused the change. I know that a largely traumatic experience happened when I was a child, but even then from what I remember of the immediate aftermath, I didn’t really care about what happened as soon as I was finished experiencing it. I know that I was in shock after seeing such things, and that may have caused the detach, the same way it scrambled my memory of that period in my childhood, but I don’t have any way of verifying that.. I saw a counselor for a little while after, and despite my only remembering bits and pieces, I don’t think it was very helpful. I haven’t regularly seen any mental health professionals ever, despite knowing for quite awhile I needed to. Point is, I operated as if I was just fine, and skated by as a child, despite the severity of what I experienced being enough that I definitely should have needed at least a year of therapy after. No one found it too worrying how fast I moved on.. maybe they were just happy I could? My mom says I definitely changed because of it, but I feel resistant to believing I could have ever processed emotions normally if I became THIS different as a defense mechanism. I don’t know if I can feel love. I don’t know if I can care for anyone, especially myself. I had a period of time where I would hurt myself, and it would relieve my stress. I never did anything that would actually put my life in danger, and I naturally stopped on my own over time. I don’t know why I started, since I don’t feel suicidal, even though I have thought that there’s no reason for my being alive. I think a lot of thoughts like that, with no feelings attached. I think about how I don’t do anything for myself, or the people who take care of me just because they care, and I think about how they only care because I’m their flesh and blood, despite how fucked I am. I don’t have the ambition or motivation to change. I don’t really have the motivation or desire for anything, and haven’t for a long time. I think about how I don’t even know if I would cry over my mother’s death, or if the only loss I’d feel is losing the person I’m completely dependent on. I didn’t cry when my great grandparents died, I didn’t cry when my own father died. I know I felt something, but it was a feeling I can’t describe or consider grief. I don’t miss people when they’re not around whether it means death or out of state. I could attribute the fact that I could no longer even tolerate being in school to the fact that my father had passed, but I always hated school to the point of desperately avoiding it whenever possible, and my father was the one who always left no room for getting out of it, whereas my mom would eventually give in to my avoidance. I can’t say I don’t feel anything, because that isn’t possible or true. I can’t think of anything that makes me happy, or makes me sad, but I can think of things that make me feel stressed, or anxious.. the thing I feel strongest is being overwhelmed, and that’s the only time I ever cry. The times I get stressed out and have nowhere to go are usually when I get overwhelmed, and I get stressed in any tense situation, especially arguments. I get especially stressed in new situations, or if I have to do something unfamiliar on my own. After my father’s passing and my dropping out of school, I haven’t consistently left the house since. I know logically that I’m making myself worse, but if logical thinking moved my willpower I wouldn’t be here venting on some site instead of seeking help. I’ve spent a lot of time scouring the internet, and I could probably list some things my symptoms resonate with, but I’m no expert obviously.. I need to stop before I go on and on.