This came actually at the most optimal timing

To start, I suspect I’m neurodivergent, for a number of reasons.. the ones currently relevant being the fact that I get so overwhelmed sometimes it makes me want to spazz the fuck out, sometimes disproportionate to the situation… sometimes my family tries to gaslight me into believing it’s disproportionate also. Anyway, my big brother is a DEADBEAT and he leaves his son over here far more than he keeps him personally.. and considering my mother’s age and personality it means that I have to care for him just as much. I have no younger siblings, no other nephews or nieces, very limited prior experience with babies, and now pretty much every other day he's here.. And its not scheduled, so I have no way to get accustomed to it, or start to adapt. I don’t go outside or have places to be usually, but even still it’s so much stress. I feel like I spend more time and energy being anxious over him than I do playing with him. My mom tries to make me feel bad about it when I can’t hide my immediate reaction to the fact that I suddenly have to deal with something related, but it’s gone on so long that my strength to even act indifferent is low.. like, my mom kind of peeves me because she volunteers herself to care for him. Which, I’m fine with on its own especially considering the parents lil neph has seem to want any chance away from him they can get.. but the issue is that she doesn’t listen when I try to dissuade her from letting them just dump him on her whenever (and subsequently on me too because I can’t just not help her when shes still the one taking care of ME most) or to just ignore them asking her to get him.. she very rarely does..wouldn’t be that much of an issue if I didn’t have to help.. It’s getting to a level where I can’t be happy to see my nephew.. The first feeling is a HEAVY weariness, and its even worse when I get woken up to watch him while she gets something done. I already had issues with loud noises, and it doesn’t help that he hates when my mom leaves him somewhere and immediately starts to cry at the audacity. I know it’s literally by design, but there are few noises that I can tolerate less than a baby wailing. I love my nephew, and I enjoy spending time with him when I’m not forced or expected to be the voice of reason.

Literally as I type this my brother is using every line in the book to get out of coming to pick him up tonight, despite knowing our mother is supposed to be somewhere at 4 this morning, and despite knowing that she wasn’t here when my nephews mother dropped him off. What my mom told me earlier was that my nephew might have to come over for a while, but my brother would be here to get him at 8.. that means my brother was definitely free from 8 onward. My nephew actually got here at 9, and my mom told me my brother was already on his way here. My mom got back at 1am(car issues) and yet my brother never showed. He texted me earlier to ask if his son was asleep, and I did not respond knowing it was a trap.. he still told our mom I told him he was sleep as he fabricated his excuses for why he aint get here, proving my suspicion he was going to use it as reasoning behind his invisibility. I didn’t think anything bad about my brother before, he was just my only big brother.. and now I can never overlook the fact that he acts like a deadbeat. My own brother.

I knew before I had a nephew that babies were a sensory nightmare for me, considering how I couldn’t tolerate loud sounds, had no clue how to entertain one, and absolutely DESPISE the feeling of drool on me anywhere.. like I feel contaminated until it dries or I change clothes. I’m also extremely sensitive at every vital area and spasm if I’m so much as brushed against there.. I can foresee this little sadist targeting me now.