Currently at phase 5 ghosting and im feeling lonely as fuck and I want new friends and communicate with real people but then when I do end up in a situation where I can communicate I'll go through LENGTHS avoiding people and ofcourse avoiding communication as much as I would. Not because I'm shy it's because I actually hate talking to people and I think its useless as fuck to just talk for hours and gain absolutely nothing from that talk, I get drained immediately every conversation. Ofcourse I hate texting too, infact whenever I'm lonely I'll just remember how much hell I go through whenever I start acting like a real human being by talking to real breathing people. I think its scary how alone I can get not because I find it lonely or maybe I do sometimes but I generally just like being alone, I'm saying is that I'm obsessed with being alone and I can live without communication for 3 whole months, with a slight side effect of going insane but I'm generally fine and I go through absolute peak self reflection everyday that I do not apply to myself, I just self reflect and do absolutely nothing with the information I learned so that's that. And even though I'm basically just toxic as hell which im fully aware of at this point considering how im ghosting everyone I know for a whole month now without telling them how im doing and deleting all my social media so I wont be seeing their messages, I think its safe to say that I'm currently ruining my life in a way that I'm also gaining from it yknow? Because I'm going through peak mind bending shit going on with my head now that I haven't communicated to anyone outside this site and YouTube shorts for a whole ass month, and my yt shorts is full of katseye drama too so now my head is filled with katseye brainrot because I'm constantly fighting random 10 year old kids in YouTube justifying why I said people should not be caring this much about Manon's hiatus like go the fuck outside and touch some grass but like that point kept getting over their heads too and made it seem like I was the one wrong in the comment section and then it randomly hit me how stupid I am because ive already seen that guys shitty grammar and I'm replying to them with 3 whole paragraphs with their 3 badly constructed sentences ignorance of a reply, and yet I'm genuinely getting ragebaited. I've never been like this before when I was communicating with my friends alright but you know I'm reallyyyyyy going insane now. Actually I don't really know what the fuck I'm writing right now, it's really stress relieving to be honest. What if I just post an experience here everyday like what will anyone do about it, absolutely nothing. I probably wont reply to anyone in this post either so
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so real Im losing energy to get closer with some people and drifting apart with my closest friends and everyoe else are getting into relationships and
That's... Wow you have some self-destruct problem which im totally won't judge you since I going through the same shit tbh i just wanna say you don't have to beat yourself up of this isolation that u put yourself into,I advice you to heal yourself and I know this phrase " heal yourself " sounds like bullshit and hard but you REALLY need to make yourself in safe healthy environment cuz if this mess kept on I mean u are gaining some peace but you also gaining mental problem that will affect you in adulthood, feeling isolated is not bad u have the rights to have your own moment, your own YOU moment and important you don't have to force yourself keep talking with someone for HOURS, you need to make time for yourself and for someone that feels like worth Talking to, take it slow not every has to come fast, you just have to have one or two friends it's not necessarily u have to have so MANY people to talk to, idk if my words helped cuz I know you are in deep tangled messy point in life so maybe my words would mean nothing but trust me everything would be resolved not everything stays the same, you'll find peace don't only look at ur downsides but look at the good traits that you have, you are smart enough to be aware of ur downsides but now u have to notice your good sides I mean with the whole katseye drama I can sense you have common sense and the best u did to yourself is write all ur emotions in here and relieve instead holding them in deep in ur heart, anyways hope u find peace and I won't expect an answer from you just maybe you read this and maybe you might gain something from it .
Do u have no school/uni/job? I realized i just have to pretend and talk like some center social butterfly so atleast I don’t feel like loser, and when u act like that outside of talking in person just for a lil bit they rarely contact u on social media and don’t bug that much so it’s great.